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The Crypto Constitution | The New Yorker


Article Zero: Independent Minds United (I.M.U.) is the first decentralized nation.

Article One: I.M.U. declares independence from all preëxisting and forthcoming governments.

Article Two: I.M.U. does not have citizens, it has investors. Any Citizenship Token-holder is considered an investor.

Article Three: I.M.U. territory consists of all land occupied by an investor.

Article Four: Any investor may add an amendment to the I.M.U. constitution by purchasing an Amendment Token.

Article Five: No refunds.


Amendment I: First!

Amendment II: First!

Amendment III: No murder. None of the fiat constitutions that I’ve read ban murder. That’s why it keeps happening.

Amendment IV: Boba shops can’t charge investors full price for a cup that’s half ice. Or ban investors for complaining, asking to see the manager, or throwing the ice at the boba-shop employees and asking how they like unwanted ice.

Amendment V: Thou shalt not snitch to the S.E.C.

Amendment VI: Non-murder violence is legal and awesome, especially with a sword.

Amendment VII: No racist stuff. I guess.

Amendment VIII: No calling anyone racist.

Amendment IX: No age of consent shall be imposed.

Amendment X: Gross, sixteen.

Amendment XI: Ew—eighteen!

Amendment XII: Seventeen?

Amendment XIII: Stop, guys, everyone can see this when it goes out.

Amendment XIV: Only investors can see the first thirteen amendments.

Amendment XV: First.

Amendment XVI: The right to promote opportunities in digital currencies, fashion, watercolors, or casinos shall not be infringed upon by any party. Especially three-letter agencies.

Amendment XVII: Investors can’t say that they love you, truly love you, and then disappear.

Amendment XVIII: Violators’ apes shall be distributed to other investors.

Amendment XIX: Everyone should read “The Alchemist”; it’s all about how stuff works out if you believe in it really hard.

Amendment XX: Seventeen sounded fair to me.

Amendment XXI: I.M.U. won’t have private prisons. Instead, prisons will be collectively owned by the inmates, allowing them to invest in their own rehabilitative productivity.

Amendment XXII: I.M.U. only accepts Bitcoin.

Amendment XXIII: My dick it does. Ether!

Amendment XXIV: Ether’s for marks and old people. I.M.U. embraces the future and runs exclusively on GaryOakCoin.

Amendment XXV: I.M.U. investors will not participate in or condone acts of warfare or torture deleterious to human dignity.

Amendment XXVI: Anyone who rugs their project can be tortured though.

Amendment XXVII: I.M.U. territory will apply my modified system of daylight-saving time, which accounts for regional variations in light levels, work culture, TV schedules, and local polling.

Amendment XXIII: I ban climate change. Thank me later.

Amendment XXIX: Amendments to the I.M.U. constitution may not be considered by any government to be evidence of financial or interpersonal wrongdoing.

Amendment XXX: “The Alchemist” is too negative. Let’s start our book club off right with “The Secret,” followed by some Horatio Alger. All hype, no FUD.

Amendment XXXI: Embrace kindness.

Amendment XXXII: This constitution’s meh—invest in I.M.U.2. We’ve only been hacked once.

Amendment XXXIII: Newspapers can’t write about I.M.U. Unless it’s positive, or negative in that panicked Twitter voice that makes it seem cool.

Amendment XXXIV: Ape shall not defraud ape. Whoever stole mine has to give them back.

Amendment XXXV: LOL, no.

Amendment XXXVI: In order to protect digital property, a body of dedicated investors will watch for rug pulls and other malfeasance. This Commission for Exchanging Securely will operate with the full authority of a D.A.O.

Amendment XXXVII: Drugs and guns are legal but not at the same time.

Amendment XXXVIII: Check out the Union of Autonomous Thinkers, an I.M.U.2 branch with a unique age of consent for every investor.

Amendment XXXIX: Amendment XXXIV is repealed. All I.M.U.-investor wallet contents shall be transferred to my wallet. No more Amendment Tokens may be minted. Effective immediately.



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